Pitchmen TV

A large group of pre-teen girls getting faint. They jump up and down and scream and fan each other. It’s a concert for the latest boy band, right?

Well, in most cases, but in this case, it’s the participants in the commercial for BRAINIACS, as teeny-boppers get all emotional and giggly because they’ve managed to memorize the square root of an incredibly complex problem.

Let me state going into this, I have tutored for many years, and I absolutely love any program that helps kids learn advanced math concepts and helps them to master basic memorization. And at the same time, I absolutely was annoyed to no end by this commercial. Sorry, just no fan of shrieking girls, even when they’re shrieking over the value of pi.

Other little things annoyed me, too. For instance, when the announcer talked about “squaring a 3 digit number in your head without a calculator.” Umm, as opposed to squaring it in your head WITH a calculator? If you used a calculator, doesn’t that mean it wasn’t in your head? And doesn’t that mean, therefore, that this statement by a man advertising an educational product was redundant?

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But by far, the part that annoyed me most was when the man asked a classroom how much is 61 divided by 91, and he applauded when a boy said. 6,703,296. That’s fine—except it’s wrong. It’s .6703297 (if you’re rounding up). Not griping about the 6 instead of the 7 as the lack of the decimal.

Guess the producer of the commercial just forgot. Guess he needs BRAINETICS.

Outstanding product—REALLY bad commercial.

DOG PEDIC SLEEPING SYSTEM: Infomercial Review

Like many people, one of my pet peeves are people who dress up their dogs in human clothing. He’s not a human, so why do we try so hard to pretend he is? Especially when the dog hates it so much.

I’ll say one thing for the DOG PEDIC SLEEPING SYSTEM, which I just saw advertised on a late-night commercial: At least this is one case where the dog loves being treated like a human. Even if it is still–well, weird. Here’s the concept. You’ve seen those adjustable mattresses for people, right? The ones with “memory foam” that adjust according to each person’s body? Take that, chop the mattress down to “doggy size” and produce a memory-foam mattress for Fido. That’s what you have with Dog Pedic.

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My mother is such a huge animal lover, that of course, both of her basset hounds sleep inside on her bed with her. Or they did, until she heard about Dog Pedic. Now they each sleep on their own “bed.” But still in her room. Is there any room really cut out for three mattresses, doggy-sized or not?

When the commercial says, “You sleep soundly in a comfortable bed, but what about your best friend?” my response is, “My best friend sleeps better than most of his family. You know, the wolves and wild dogs who sleep out in the forest at night?”

One other amusing fact about this commercial: I don’t know if there are different sizes of Dog Pedic mattresses or not, but clearly they have not yet produced one St. Bernard size….since that dog in their commercial looks like he could fall off the Dog Pedic at any moment. But it could be worse: He could be sleeping in the Alaska snow, where his brothers and sisters are.

So when I heard that the name of a new cleaning product was SHOCK IT CLEAN, I knew it would be a lousy product and I knew it would have the corniest infomercial possible.

I was half right. It turns out SHOCK IT CLEAN is an incredible cleaning product that makes cleaning every bit as fast and easy as the commercial claims..But it turns out that I was right about the commercial itself: Corny with a capital “C.’

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Let’s start with the opening premises: We’re supposedly watching the newest episode of “Amazing Discoveries.” Really? Where, pray tell, can I find other episodes devoted to other inventions? Is there an “Amazing Discoveries” DVD available? Best of “Amazing Discoveries” on a cable website? Nah, didn’t think so.

Then let’s talk about the claim that it’s “literally going to shock you.” Literally? That means you’re not using the word “shock” in a figurative sense. So if I touch this product, I’ll get 100,000 volts rushing through my body?

They brag about the product’s “cucumber melon scent.” MMMMMM, cucumber melon. I plan to plant a new crop of cucumber melons next summer if anyone wants some.

Maybe the corniest part is “Professor Amos” who supposedly invented this product and who talks just like you’d expect an “Amos” to talk. “Hey lookie here, Honey!”

Finally, we see a scene of a man buying a store cleaner for what looks like the nation’s entire reserve of one-dollar bills.

SHOCK IT CLEAN: It shocks your home clean, but its commercial shocks the thinking person’s sensibilities.